cinco

again.

of all the men that i have kept affection for, it is with you that i detest having borne such emotions. no, it's not that i find you despicable. it's just that i know, with you, it will all be a heartache in the end.

i consider you one of the few male friends that i treasure. you have brought me so much happiness, not only as that person i would have wanted to laugh with all my life, but also as a friend who has remained with me at the trying moments of my academic life (and non-existing lovelife). we became really close to the point that i turned into a bridge for you and a friend, and oftimes, the listener to the whines and emotions you have for this friend. i remained simply as the ear that listens to you. someone who has no face. completely invisible.

i would have wanted to say goodbye to the feelings i have long kept. but they remain so strong, despite the cunning threat of an impending rejection.

i would have wanted to say goodbye to the friendship built. but, i cannot. it is the only hold i have of you. it is the only means that i could express the uncrushable feelings i have long hidden from you.

i fell for you then, really hard. twas so strong that it was inconceivable that i could get up and move on. it felt like the feelings then became so much a part of me, without which i would cease being me.

i stayed, not because you asked me, but because i wanted. i was hurting but i ignored the pain. all i could see was you. despite the many manifestations of my affection, you never seemed to notice me. or probably, you did, but you ignored me. i remained a blank painting on the wall. all there but never seen.

i stayed, and waited. you fell again, for another. i chose to remain. but staying has never been this painful. then i decided to let go and move on. and so i left. but this, you still had not noticed.

my life went on without you. yes i survived. but i cannot deny the fact that i miss those moments when i was with you, however hurtful the things I may have heard from you. i miss the kulitan, despite being considered as a mere "one of the boys." i just missed being with you.

i decided then to shut my world off from you. i enclosed myself in hibernation. and all along i thought, i had forgotten you... and had the feelings buried as a part of my past. i see no point in letting these emotions subsist. it has only brought me self-derision. we parted ways. i bid goodbye to the friendship - and you. there was no way out but this. there was nothing i could do.

but sometimes, no matter how well-kept some things are, they, sooner or later, will resurrect from the ashes. i saw you again. and everything were revived in an instant. all the sacrifices i bore with just to get over you were wasted - with just your smile.

as before, i do not wish to stay. you are like a star that i could only dream of. you are someone that i cannot be at par with. a mortal like i am is, and never will be, worthy of your deity. but i will stay, if only to prove that i do not want anything in return; for it is even, a fact, that you can never give me anything in return. i will stay even if it would mean being on your feet. just let me be. just let me be happy for you and contribute to whatever happiness you may aspire to have.

just let me gaze at the star that, only in my dreams i could have. if this isnt love, i will be really surprised.

the girl who has once fallen for you has really remained so.