feb craze

disclaimer: all of these,certainly, are things of the past. so i expect no death threats! =D

i hate february. the too much commercialization of the day that can only be genuinely celebrated by lovers is such a pain in the neck. the lovebug starting to inch its way on each couple you see is a sore in the eye. nuisance per se! and of course, who could ever forget the fact that roads are jammed with lots of vehicles, and the restaurants, even the not-so-fine-dining ones, are all suddenly so filled up that you would suddenly ask yourself if the philippines is really going down the drain, economically-speaking.

however, since i do not have the power YET to stop this plague that befalls this country every second month of the year (YET means that i will in the future... i will run for a position in the government and pass a bill prohibiting the celebration of the v-day, hehe), i might as well, join the parade. =D hesitant at that okay.

no, i do not have a testosterone-fueled creature accompany me despising this month. and i do not intend to get myself one. let me just enumerate all the testosterone-clad species i "admired/had an infatuation on/almost fell for/fell really hard for" since time immemorial. this is of course, by virtue of the inspiration i got from niq and demz' blogs.

here it goes, the very few i found attractive, the duration of the said infatuation and the reasons why i liked them:

1. ERIC - my grade one crushie. he's chinito and smart. the neatest boy in class.
2. DENNIS - smart science geek. he's the smartest in grade 4-st.michael. first three weeks of june.
3. ROMMEL - mr. "yuck! kamukha raw ni aljon"!!! hehe... tall, smart, matangos na ilong, funny. i adored the guy okay - for one school year in grade four and the first five months of grade five!
4. ALEX - witty, looks really kind (di ko pa po sya friend nun so it was only when we became friends that i realized that my impression of him was correct) and neat, sobrang puti, mas maputi pa sa akin. grade four.
5. RANDY LLOYD - first, the volleyball skills. then, the meek, cute eyes and the small, tangos and pointed nose. then all else followed. =) my ultimate first love. ahehehe...si tarts. march 5 and january 1...september 1990 until 2000 (i guess...), dekada!
6. JEMILLE - wala lang. only because he had a crush on me. hehehe.
7. ALEXANDER B. - that piercing, mysterious eyes. math district quiz bee champ. grade six til first year. i saw him again in up diliman. then, after a year of seeing him just bum around, he got a girl pregnant. ayos! di ako yun.
8. ABE ROY - angelic face. he was the class escort of I-Faraday. i found him cute for three months during 1st year.
9. JOSEPH BRANDO - ay, the school's smarty hunk. mala-brendan fraser.
10. ANDRYAN - nice eyes. and the 'do that's so florante and laura-ish. first seven months of 2nd year.
11. OMAR - makulit kasi ereng taong to. and so neat, daig ako. he's now the kada's doctor. just some passing fancy during 2nd year.
12. DERICK - volleyball skills. intrams. =)
13. RAMIL - suplado, sobra. 2nd year.
14. CEZAR - an altar boy at our parish church. bait. summer crushie.
15. GERALD - another altar boy, the older one though, and cuter. saw him last december, we were standing beside each other during one of the misa de gallo's and it's so funny remembering about that summer escapade. =)
16. RONALD - another altar boy, the younger one.
17. RJ - during third year, he was my vice-pres, III-shelley. we became really close because of... hehe... just that. got really comfortable with him. eventually though, i became his confidante, with respect to "miss dunkin donut-october 25" and later on shared the grueling experience of learning how to forget a lost love.
18. GILBERT - the CAT officer. ay he looks really snappy wearing his type A unif. all through 3rd year, crush ko talaga. one of the reasons why i regretted not joining the cocc.
19. ROBERTO - the fourth year guy with walang sabit hair. kainggit.
20. JG - my superior during cat days. nice guy. we became...ahmm, no labels pala. at first, the "separation" was a bit bad, er, really bad. it was that nasty that he made the entire echo 2nd platoon squat facing the scorching sun, for no apparent reason...except that probably because he hated me. =)
21. PATRICK - a wantus on air, younger guy from colegio de san agustin whom i met thru 349. a senti, sweety guy. things didn't work out though.
22. SAM - another wantus on air. the person with whom i share the passion for music that the band, live, has wonderfully created.
23. NOEL - mr. nice guy over 349 also. real good listener.
24. JR - my first crushie in up. a classmate in comm 1. the lamya guy.
25. VINCI - yep, one of the parokya boys. he's a seatmate in comm1. that class' so good, pretty filled with the (rare) cutie UP guys.
26. BING - the victoria basketball hunkie of up who, luckily, was my comm2 seatmate. aww, i can still vividly recall the masculine scent!
27. STEVEN - that electrical engg from block g-10 who made my days in UP one helluva experience! no, it's not because he was nice. a**h*le po cya. =) kasi it has been his strong belief that im one dumbass, well insofar as math 17 and 100, he is correct (yabang, hehe!). you can never put us together or we will explode. highly combustible pair.
28. AGILE - the hopeless romantic blockmate of #27.
29. PAOLO - the baby-faced blockmate of both #s 27 and 28.
30. ALBERT - my orgmate, my partner for our talent show as a part of our application requirement. really nice, mild-mannered and sweet-faced guy. smart pa. he graduated talaga comp engg (unlike...hehehe). the one that got away.
31. PONG - one of my best friend's cousin. hunky type. corny pero sweet. childlike. si "baby"... went on a relationship for more than a year, and that was just it. =) as they all say, it was good while it lasted but painful when it ended.
32. BUMBO - my blockmate in beda law. nice voice. articulate. a debater. first sem, first year crushie.
33. BADONG - blockmate too. he's everyone's crush. and he's loud. =)
34.PANCHO - see previous entry. and yup, let me admire him for a lifetime.
35. PED - beda law 2002's most eligible bachelor (until january 2002, of course). the lsg president, smart, a bookworm, uber friendly, as in. he is your perfect politico. and a fantastic friend too. =)
36. JUANITO - my classmate in persons. smart and decent-looking guy.
37. "CINCO" - see archived entry. =) a good friend. the guy who's got everything.
38. BD - ask monique about the details. i can't believe why i fell for his trap. and boy, i will never again. sobrang mabait, grabe (*sarcasm flooding).
39. "MINE" - see archived entry. =) one thing ive proven. fourth year in law school could really drive you nuts and distort your perception. hehe.
and finally...
40. KWON SANG WOO! - my oopa. choloooo!!!! =)


p.s. the list of course does not include my celebrity crushes...
41. aljon jimenez - of that's fame! ruffa's ka-loveteam!
42. ronnel victor - lotlot de leon's partner in "halimaw sa banga"
43. eric fructuoso - gwapings! =D
44. gio alvarez - ang tv days
45. basti artadi - wolfgang vocalist
46. glenn jacinto - teeth vocalist
47. james blanco - sheepish look
48. dennis trillo - mulawin heydays
49. dermot mulroney - my best friend's wedding!
50. brad pitt - b*tt pa lang, ulam na! troy!!!

=D bloody juveniley.

petrified

i think a spell had just been cast unto me. petrificus totalus! as it goes in harry potter.

seriously, i feel so numb, so scared and so lost right now. yeah, i am guilty of having committed two crimes here - reading an email of a classmate and visiting a site that i should not even consider of thinking during this phase in my life. and yep, i think the critical stage has arrived.

before any of you gets whacko as i am now, let me explain what this is about. well, as any usual evening, i jumped on the pc to check my mail and do some yearbook thingies. as i checked my mail, i saw a classmate's mail (to our batch's yahoo group) regarding "the release". i was hesitant to open it. title/subject pa lang, nangalos na tuhod ko. but i went on. feeling darna eh.

it was written there that our dean had a talk with the chairman and the latter said that the examiners are about to finish checking the booklets and that probably, the results will be out by second or third week of march.

that leaves me with fewer days to contemplate, to pray, to fight.

and oh, the site which i visited was the previous one which i mentioned. there is this forum about the results. it didn't help. it merely confirmed the message emailed to us by a classmate.

i am so scared. i don't know exactly what to do.

tipsy tin

kelan kaya ako ulit magkakaganito?
pero sana happy ako kaya ako magiging ganito...
yoko na yung either bad exams o unrequited affection ang reason
pwede na ulit unrequited affection
wag lang bad exams...
kasi kahit ilang beses pa ako ma-hurt in the aspect of love,
ok lang
nothin lost...
eh pag yung iniintay ko na exams,
ay gastos yun,
at pagod...

hay, yoko na isipin.

air, please?!!!

i can still my heart pounding.

for the past few days, i have been experiencing abnormal palpitations. i don't know why exactly. but a few minutes ago, it's as if a bomb has been planted in my chest and is about to explode any moment now. i wish an oxygen tank can be downloaded from my PC. i feel as if i am about to die.

hehehehe... charge it to exaggeration. =D dramatique ei? kidding aside, i was having a hard time getting oxygen in my respiratory tract. i just happen to visit a favorite site where there is a shared passion (and grief) felt for the study of law.

i saw in one of the threads of its forum, this.
ay juske, parang gusto ko nang mahimatay! maiyak! matawa! mabaliw! all at the same time, pwede rin successively.

and all i can do now is pray...really hard.

i am a certified masokista. =D

oh, by the way, kindly keep all sharp, pointed things away from me. and also, detergents, shampoo, toilet cleansers, insect repellant/spray, medicines, cologne,NAWASA water, etc... hehehe =D

baduy... but real =)

hay, the bug has bit me again.

i saw his previous posts in this site for bedans and boy, oh boy, though i haven't seen him for two months now, the feeling's still there! all fresh! =D

imagine, a 26-year oldie feelin so kilig. makes you wanna puke, ne? =) this is insane i know. if there is such a thing as second adolescence. this, probably, is mine.

he was, is, and perhaps, will be my dream guy. (puke some more, hehe) he epitomizes THE MAN. the one i have dreamt of, the one i have dedicated my poetry to for the five long years i have stayed in the jungle called san beda law, the man i wanted so badly to be mine...for keeps.

he is not that hunky type of guy that i would normally "desire."
he looks good. well, he was even tagged as their batch's hunk, okay.
he is the only guy i had admired with a wavy mane (he sports a "skinhead" 'do).
he is bespeckled. (and his eyes turn chinky whenever he takes off his glasses.)
he has broad shoulders and good enough built. (huggable, id say.)
he has this cutest sheepish smile that i rarely saw in my five years in beda.
(yes, he was suplado, at least to me, i guess.)
he has this deep manly voice that could send a thousand-decibeled shrill from any woman. (especially when you look into those eyes, piercing the lens of his 'two other eyes' and moreso, when you heard it from the earpiece of your phone.)
can you now picture how he looks?

let us go to the better side of the package.

he is one darn smart guy.
he graduated with a degree that was my second choice when i filled up the upcat application form.
we both came from the same university for our pre-law course.
he was a member of a reputable fraternity back in college.
(hehe,biased! akala ko i don't like fratmen?! hehe)
...
he graduated from beda law in four years. and take note, he had criminal law 2, as his only 'casualty.' he was that brilliant! mind you, we do not have summer classes pa nyan ha.
he was my superior in The Barrister, our official publication.
(honestly, i only decided to take the entrance exams for the school paper because of him.)
res ipsa loquitur, i know. just the same, i would like to emphasize that he is one helluva writer!!!
he writes really, really well.
the grammar. the choice of words. the sense of humor.
on top of that, he just doesn't write. he writes sensibly.
(although i have yet to see him produce a poem, hehe.)
it's a rarity for me to have found such a guy.

what's the catch?

he smokes. hahaha, darn! as if i care.
he is one loyal friend, and devoted boyfriend.
darn!
i was not the one he chose. that is the problem.
did i even come close to being an option?

i don't know what exactly happened back then in first year law. i am contented with the thought, that yeah, probably, he is not meant for me. (but god please, find someone like him. please!)

this must be due to an LSS caused by having watched sharon cuneta's ultimately excellent movie, bituing walang ningning , my favorite, hehe. what was the song? sana'y maghintay ang walang hanggan.

Sana'y Maghintay Ang Walang Hanggan

Doon ka, dito ako
Hindi magkatagpo
Tawag ko’y di marinig bat kay layo mo
Lapitan man ay di mo matanaw
Bingi’t bulag sa akin ay walang pakiramdam
Sayang na pagmamahal
Paano ng pag-ibig kong walang hanggan

Sanay maghintay ang walang hanggan
Hanggang makilala mo ako ang iyong mahal
Baka ko matutuhan kita’y kalimutan
Baka pangako ko’y dumating sa kailanman
Sanay maghintay ang walang hanggan
Sana ang iyong paglingap ay muli kong matikman
Subalit kong paglimot ay di mapigilan
Alalahanin mong kay tagal kitang hinintay

Narito ang puso kong inilaan sayo
Pagod na nanginginig baka magtampo
Naghihintay ang labi kong uhaw
Handog nito’y ligayang di mapapantayan
Sayang na pagmamahal
Parang hangin lamang sa iyo’y nagdaan

...whew!
now, will you please stop laughing?! =)

message sent

have you ever wondered how great God is? how omnipotent. how wise.

recently, i was having some spiritual struggle. feeling really unworthy to pray and ask, feeling hesitant to approach a long-time friend, feeling simply abandoned...all at the same time.

you see, i am still jobless for three months now. there were no apt job offers that are not shocking to the senses. january is slipping really fast. bar exams chismis are on the rise. i am jobless, my funds are getting low and my bar results is all uncertain.

just about an hour ago, i decided to check my email. no enticing shows on tv fits my disoriented mind. out of sheer boredom, i clicked on google and encoded anima christi to search for the full lyrics of this favorite church song. it just happened.

anima christi

and i clicked some more, inching my way to the site's chatroom.

sylvia, anitairl and mark.

and everything came pouring in. it was no ordinary chat, i tell you. He found his way to get His messages sent. the moment was so magical. it's so inexplicable.

He knows that i was becoming too philosophical, thinking that sometimes the things bubbling in my mind are not His but may just be mine. He knows that an internet junkie like i am believes mostly of what he/she sees in his/her monitor. and that i can be really touched by innocent messages from people i barely knew.

and i thank You again, for reaching out to me. for being so patient despite my being so stubborn. for having made me realized that i am never alone, that with all these technology streaming on my face, YOU are here. YOU listen in the deep whinings, the silent cries of my heart, despite how unworthy i am. i love you so much. thank you, naisahan mo na naman ako dun ah.

[Sylvia] if God has brought you here, he is already answering your prayers

here is the song that led me to these all...

Anima Christi
Melody by J. Arboleda

Soul of Christ, sanctify me.
Body of Christ, save me.
Water from the side of Christ, wash me.
Passion of Christ, give me strength.

Hear me Jesus, hide me in Thy wounds,
That I may never leave Thy side.
From all the evil that surrounds me, defend me.
And when the call of death arrives, bid me come to Thee,
That I may praise Thee with Thy saints, forever.

what's up God?

hey, what's up God?

bugs bunny was mistaken. this could've been better. "doc" has no answer to his queries...nor mine.

the waiting game. it is as if i was thrown in the middle of the desert, alone, with nothing to do but wait for my chance to be rescued. all uncertain. everything to be guessed at.

waiting, i believe, has never been an easy chore. it can suck up all the energy you got without you knowing. it can empty your hopes and increase to a moundful your fears. and still have nothing.

and yes, i am one of those left in that island. left to wait. embracing the unknown.

but i have to keep my spirits high. optimism is the key. lest i be confined in ward 7 of the philippine general hospital, or if i have sufficient "anda" saint luke's basement.

so let me thank God, with all sincerity (no sarcasm, really) for giving me such sweet time to wait and all these blessings...

... still belonging to the aliping namamahay, not with the proletariat yet. there's a lot of time to be exhausted for catching up on flicks, books, recipes and sleep, all neglected for the past months.

... friends with whom you share your apprehensions, hesitations, fears, and more fears and still listen intently at your whines. friends whose views i value greatly: ate eloi, ethel and roxanne for the recent dilemma. and of course, monique, mayette, jes, tria and jen, for i have hounded them with my trivial worries still they did not leave me. were it not for these people, i might have lost it.

... still being able to exercise my free will despite the irrationality of having used it the past few days. there are certain things in life that i could have possibly acquired but i did not grab. despite having no luxury of rejecting certain things, i did, i shoved it away. i needed it a bit badly, but i did not care less. no regrets. i have to stand by my decisions. as someone put it, if i did not believe that i did the right thing, no one else will. and i know i did. my assets may not increase twice a month til now but i am happy that i will not work my ass to kill myself with fatigue.

... my Blog, despite anonymous people posting certain judgmental, heck-do-you-know-me messages. Bless you. and please, if you cannot stand what i have written, better click that tiny cross on the right corner of your screen. i do not give a damn whether you like me, my writings, or not. heck, this is mine, for my personal satisfaction. go create yours. shoo. fly. bye. blame it on me, im evil. =D

>>>> i wonder now, how the carrots are. He must be havin a really nice time perfecting the mixture. (note: this thought is what keeps me less-whiney, hehe).
thank YOU.