i deleted an entry i made yesterday.
currently, i am in a plethora of emotions. all mixed up that it would probably be healthy to induce myself to an emotional diarrhea.
seriously, i was really mad yesterday. "enraged" would be more descriptive of what i was feeling then. all the emotions were bottled up that i forgot all that has to be done - meals, my dvd sked, yearbook tasks. i believed that the healthiest way out would be a blog entry. and so i "ranted." otherwise, my cells would be in a state of confusion, as aga told claudine in their "kailangan kita" flick.
i was really angered that i finished the entry faster than i normally do. if you had read it, and if you know me that well, it is safe to infer that 'highblood' talaga ako. i felt much better after having made that entry, releasing it all like one great fart you have to suppress.
however, i also felt guilty for feeling that way. aside from the regular nostril-flaring experiences that my brother's maid unselfishly lets me relish, i was too idle not to have felt that way for quite some time. i thought hard if i was really bent on saying my adios to the, what, nearly 16 years of friendship. it was so difficult. but it was just as painful.
it was painful being reminded that you could not land a job anymore, that you could/will/may flunk the bar (anyway there is still another year as he/she puts it), that your alma mater sucks. but it is more painful if that person is someone you know will never, ever, not in any lifetime, hurt you that way - but did... someone so dear to you, loved, and so cherished. indeed, the pain is immeasurable.
he/she informed me, albeit belatedly, what really transpired. at first, i was appalled. it was unjust, i thought. i was merely sleeping, in anticipation that probably when im up, i'll receive a dose of the heartwarming message that he/she has unselfishly given me to lift my spirits. and alas, you'll get lashed out for somebody else's mistake. as i have told jen, my bedan friend, hit me on anywhere you want, except on two things - my family and the bar.
after more messages from him/her, there was no anger left, not a speck. generally, i do not get mad so easily. and this is one exceptional case. siguro, 5 counts, i was about to explode na yesterday. but who wouldn't be unmoved by sincere apologies? i am no steel-hearted person. no speck of anger. convert that to tampo.
tampo. for making me feel so bad about myself. for having failed to see im one barrel of anxiety that no amount of psyching me will help. and that what i merely wanted is the usual solace he/she has given me. no slamming on my face please, not used to that, epecially from him/her.
consider me a lobster whose shell has just moulted last september. way really sensitive that no one can touch it. well,just on the bar topics in my case. then it has to hibernate, so it can "grow" its shell again. i too have to hibernate, until the bar results gives me back my shell.
...or until im "strong" enough to accept anything that the wind may blow unto my eyes.
