can i just die?

it is the first day of august. about a month from now, i will be taking the dreaded bar examinations.

they say it is but normal to feel scared. but i believe otherwise. what scares a barrister is the fact that he/she is not prepared. like i am now.

all but regrets... these are the usual thoughts that pester me each day. i should've worked really hard last summer. i should have sticked with my schedule [no matter how anti-social and uber-idealistic it was]. i can only sigh.

let me enumerate my fears and it will, in a way, make you realize that, indeed, i am one brave person to take the bar:
1. in political law, the subject which i loved the most, i barely finished nachura. as i was encoding this, i was supposed to breeze through it.
2. in labor law, i barely remember anything. sure, i was able to finish the readings that i planned on goin through. but the Q is, did i remember anythin?
3. civil law. my third best love (with the exception of the law on property,hehehe)... i am not done with the part about partnership, agency, credit and torts [jurado's book]. i was waiting for atty lutian's lecture [after it was postponed], but...
4. taxation law. once i start with this subject, i get so enamored by the technicalities that i find it difficult to stop. however, i am a 'bobotiq' with respect to transfer taxes. men.
5. commercial law. started my review with this one. cannot remember anything now.
6. criminal law. in first year law, my grades in both crim 1 and 2 are above what i expected them to be. it's another favorite. however, in fourth year, all my love for the subject were flushed together with the fiorgelato stuffs that i filled my tummy with - during crim law review class. it was an absolutely boring class. sure, it was a relief that there were no recitations. but, without recitations, no amount of force could make me mull over the lessons. the result? it's as if i have never taken crim law in my entire life. [jusme, this is one subject pa naman that the examiner loves!]
7. remedial law. aaahhh, this one. there's still this leftover - criminal procedure - which i have to master [kuno].
8. ethics. originally, i allotted a week for this subject. then it became 3 days. then, nada, zero, ala. not even read a part of any of my materials... =(

add to these the pressure that my family has been giving me lately. ngayon pa nasabay that i was the one that my mom would always rely on in doing my nephew's assignments, projects and review materials. then dad pa would always ask me to do paper works for him - editing certain contracts, encoding this and that, correspondence. isa pa, whenever my sister is around, it is as if she doesn't give a damn if i am reading or what - sa room ko pa sya open ng tv, chat sa phone, internet, kulitin ako, the works! then she'd tell me pa, "naku ilang days na lang pala bar na. hala, ilang subject na natapos mo?!"

then there are friends you envy a lot for having remembered stuffs they have read - after having read the same while watching shows on tv. or super sipag friends...

now tell me, di ba these are enough reasons why i wanted so badly to defer or die or both at the same time, or successively. i hate myself. i find myself so gaga, so boba. am i cracking under pressure? nah, boba lang talaga. so pathetic.

if anyone shoots me right now, i would gladly give him/her a reward.

i want to die. now na.
and im not joking.