hormonal?

my former boss called me to ask about a case that i used to handle. since i was alone at the office (my current boss was out for a meeting), and i myself wasn't in a meeting either, i was able to answer former boss' call.

and so the conversation went on. when former boss asked me how i was, my voice started to crack and i felt like crying. nobody has asked me how i was since i left, with such genuine concern and sincerity. i felt like i was about to explode. who wouldn't be? everyday i have no one else to talk with except my current boss. i have no friends who will listen to me at the office. everyday, all i do is work and deal with colleagues on professional terms. my fault? please allow me to say that it is not. with the circumstances present at the workplace, it is always better to keep your mouth shut.

yeah, i am not fine. i am starting to feel regret streaming through my entirety. i have no option but leave, as explained by my previous post. i cannot be selfish. there is no point in going after a dream at the expense of the people dearest to me.

i was thinking, is my sudden burst of emotion merely because of something hormonal?

this morning, i woke up crying, sobbing. i dreamt that i attended a meeting of sorts at my former school. then i saw him (name withheld upon my request!). seems we are a couple as i told him that i'll be off attending the meeting. then, when i went back, i saw him holding this girl's hands. was furious and pounced on them. i was so mad and was shouting at them. then i was crying and it felt really painful. the pain was beyond measure that it woke me up at around 4am. then i realized, it is perhaps good i am not in a romantic relationship with anyone right now. i do not want to feel that way again, heartbroken.

back to blog

more than a year has passed when i last posted an entry. i missed blogging and the immeasurable peace it gives by just being there, accepting all that i wanted it to keep immortal.

i must write this down, i told myself. new work, but not much of new friends i can talk with. the stress i am experiencing at work sometimes makes me regret leaving where i stayed the longest. but, i know that aside from the fact that i can't turn back the time anymore, i have to stay put not only for myself but for the people i love.

sacrifice is indeed a big word. as big as love. i truly believe that everytime we love, sacrifice is there, beckoning at us that it should also be there. simply put, no love if there is no sacrifice.

hence, i know that i just cannot leave. have to bear everything if only to make life easier for those i love. everytime i feel pain, i would remind myself that i am also doing this for the people i love. if i need to leave, i must make sure that all else will be the same --- if not, for the better.

verily, love is one double-edged sword. while it gives you happiness beyond measure, there is also pain in keeping it. i would want to give up, but i can't.