hormonal?

my former boss called me to ask about a case that i used to handle. since i was alone at the office (my current boss was out for a meeting), and i myself wasn't in a meeting either, i was able to answer former boss' call.

and so the conversation went on. when former boss asked me how i was, my voice started to crack and i felt like crying. nobody has asked me how i was since i left, with such genuine concern and sincerity. i felt like i was about to explode. who wouldn't be? everyday i have no one else to talk with except my current boss. i have no friends who will listen to me at the office. everyday, all i do is work and deal with colleagues on professional terms. my fault? please allow me to say that it is not. with the circumstances present at the workplace, it is always better to keep your mouth shut.

yeah, i am not fine. i am starting to feel regret streaming through my entirety. i have no option but leave, as explained by my previous post. i cannot be selfish. there is no point in going after a dream at the expense of the people dearest to me.

i was thinking, is my sudden burst of emotion merely because of something hormonal?

this morning, i woke up crying, sobbing. i dreamt that i attended a meeting of sorts at my former school. then i saw him (name withheld upon my request!). seems we are a couple as i told him that i'll be off attending the meeting. then, when i went back, i saw him holding this girl's hands. was furious and pounced on them. i was so mad and was shouting at them. then i was crying and it felt really painful. the pain was beyond measure that it woke me up at around 4am. then i realized, it is perhaps good i am not in a romantic relationship with anyone right now. i do not want to feel that way again, heartbroken.

back to blog

more than a year has passed when i last posted an entry. i missed blogging and the immeasurable peace it gives by just being there, accepting all that i wanted it to keep immortal.

i must write this down, i told myself. new work, but not much of new friends i can talk with. the stress i am experiencing at work sometimes makes me regret leaving where i stayed the longest. but, i know that aside from the fact that i can't turn back the time anymore, i have to stay put not only for myself but for the people i love.

sacrifice is indeed a big word. as big as love. i truly believe that everytime we love, sacrifice is there, beckoning at us that it should also be there. simply put, no love if there is no sacrifice.

hence, i know that i just cannot leave. have to bear everything if only to make life easier for those i love. everytime i feel pain, i would remind myself that i am also doing this for the people i love. if i need to leave, i must make sure that all else will be the same --- if not, for the better.

verily, love is one double-edged sword. while it gives you happiness beyond measure, there is also pain in keeping it. i would want to give up, but i can't.

infuriated

pissed. dissed. irritated. sick. tired. mad.

change is never an easy panacea --- and never will be.

first post for 2009

hello 2009!

i was supposed to post an entry on the first day of 2009. however (and irregretably though), i was led to chat with my fwens maan, then milen and arvin. i had loads of fun, with arvin's "ematured" approach which "wikipidia" nor the "visaya" can hardly comprehend. i was cryin and laughin at the same time :) nakakabaliw.

i am optimistic that i will be able to post entries on a "regular" basis. i truly miss bloggin. it's just that, sometimes, you get soooo tired of writing, you can barely extract any from your mind. :)

december 10, 2008 at the makati city hall of justice

I went out of the courtroom after my case has been called and my motion granted. Besides, our client's representative has already approached me for a chittychat. We were having discussions along the corridors when I saw somebody familiar traversing my direction. He's clad in yellow long-sleeved polo. As to the other details, it's funny, 'cause now I cannot recall any of it - whether he has with him folders, or bag. All I had in mind, clearly, was his face. That evasive look on his face. The hurried walk.

I still feel.

80 years old = my life expectancy

(evaluation daw to --- with MY comments)

Personal

+ 0.75

You noted that you manage your stress poorly. Do a significantly better job and you could add three quarters of a year to your life expectancy --- DEFINE SIGNIFICANTLY BETTER JOB?

+ 1.0

Cutting back on your hours at work, approaching, if you can, 40 or fewer hours, could add a year to your longevity --- CAN I INVOKE THIS TEST IN ORDER TO ASK FOR ADDITIONAL TIME TO FILE A PLEADING?

+ 1.0

Going from 6 days of work per week to 5 days a week could add one year of life to your longevity --- OKI (BUT I WORK AT HOME)

Lifestyle

+ 0.5

Minimizing or cutting out your caffeinated coffee consumption completely could provide you with about half a year more in life expectancy --- LET ME WAIVE THAT HALF A YEAR!

+ 2.0

If it is ok with your doctor, taking an 81 mg aspirin every day improves your hear and brain health and could help you delay or escape a heart attack or stroke. Taking an aspirin each day, perferably in the evening, could add 2 years to your life expectancy. --- WHY?

+ 0.5

Ultraviolet rays present in sunlight and tanning beds greatly increase your risk of skin cancer, including melanoma. They also increase wrinkles. It is good that you are already decreasing your sun exposure. Doing so consistently could add half a year to your life expectancy. --- NOTED

+ 1.0

There is a clear link between the inflammation of gum disease and heart disease. Do a good job of flossing daily and you could add a year to your life expectancy. --- PAMBIHIRANG BRACES TO!

Nutrition

+ 8.0

The more you can get fast foods out of your diet the better. With your current consumption, removing fast foods from your diet could add 8 years to your life expectancy --- WOW! DI NGA?

+ 0.5

Cutting back sweets in your diet to 1-2 times per week or less could add half a year to your life expectancy --- HALF LANG, PASS!

+ 2.0

Changing your daily dietary intake so that you get to and maintain a healthy weight could add two years to your life expectancy --- LIKE WHAT?

Medical

+ 1.0

Examining yourself for cancer could add a year to your life expectancy

--- HMMM

+ 2.0

Decreasing your diastolic blood pressure (the second of the two numbers) to less than 80 or even lower could add 2 years to your life expectancy --- PANO?

+ 1.5

Getting your blood pressure checked annually could add a year and a half to your life expectancy --- OK

there goes. let's wait after 51 years!

sniff sniff

i can only take so much.